(Click comic for full-size)
In many ways this weeks' comic is a scenario I am faced with often. Finding good (and reliable) musicians at short notice is no easy task. It often involves a type of Voodoo Magic that requires you to sense a musician's availability rather than know of it. It turns out "Voodoo Magic 101" would be a legitimate course at University should the institution choose to instil in its students some real world knowledge of the music industry.
Anyway, I digress...
Armed with my endless audition budget and tongue firmly placed in my cheek, I decided that I would not only hire a great musician, but I would hire a famous one too. And what musician could be more famous than the No.1 most viewed artist on the Internet? A musician of such depth and understanding that he has reached near cult status? A musician who has perhaps felt the cold harsh sting of fame's fickality*** and has fallen on hard times. A musician who would work for mere fish a day??
I give you Keyboard Cat!
It was at this stage that it occurred to me that Keyboard Cat's inherent skills at "playing people off" would work perfectly during an audition. Imagine if you will, the hilarity Keyboard Cat would provide to a situation if a candidate messed up a section or played a wrong note. The many hours of tedious listening would be momentarily broken up by a LOL or two I can assure you.
The possibilities are endless. I believe all auditions could be far more entertaining than they currently are.
As a result I propose a new format to all auditions around the world. Perhaps the first real change of this sort of thing for hundreds of years. Please leave your accolades of "Genius" and "Inspired" to the end of this presentation:
Round One will be renamed "The Round of Death" to promote a type of danger and excitement to the proceedings.
During The Round of Death musicians will be required to perform their pieces and excerpts whilst standing near something dangerous; perhaps a kiddie pool of piranha or maybe an iron will be left facing down on a freshly pressed linen shirt. Will it catch fire?? Who knows, but candidates will have to concentrate on their Mozart regardless, lest it sound like ducks screwing.
After the Round of Death, successful candidates would move onto Round Two or "The Feats of Strength Round".
This round would involve various types of heavy lifting and so on, to simulate the requirement of moving their own music stand in the pit (see here for more information).
Once finished, successful candidates (ie ones not crushed by their stand and unfazed by a potential fire hazard) are moved to the final round, The "Round of Questions".
This round would involve a type of lie detector being strapped to the candidate and the panel asking questions like: "How much did you really practise for this?", "What are your thoughts on the traditional tuning systems of Northern Europe?", "Who really killed JFK?" and so on and so on in this fashion until a final candidate is found.
A process like this would be easily convertible to a TV format and the resulting revenue would pay for all manner of music-making around town for years.
Did I just solve the "lack of funding" problems faced by almost all Arts organisations? I'll let you be the judge....
.....but yes.....yes I did.
***Not actually a "real" word. However the English language seems to be as fickle as the use of the term fickality will eventually be. Glad you bothered reading down to here huh?